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Post by NanaGram » Sat Oct 14, 2006 7:35 pm

I don't know where to go.

He's probably dead, but they won't tell me - they tell me to have hope. Thursday morning, 8:20 am, I saw him go - I don't even know what that means, but I really think I saw him go. After that, it was a blur of 911 calls, and their instructions.

I saw him go. I don't know how or when I saw him go, but I saw him go. I did cpr and mtm for almost 15 minutes. I know what control I had, and what I didn't. When the medics showed up and beat the hell out of him, I realized I hadn't done as much or as hard as I could have. Wow, they hit him so hard. There's no way in hell I could have hit him that hard, and I'd been working on him for about fifteen minutes.

Could you? If the one you love more in life than anything you can imagine - be it a child, be it a husband, be it a fast food worker - can you do cpr and mtm? And make it work? I had only one hope, to hang in til the paramedics showed up, and once they showed up they wouldn't let me in again.

I don't see ghosts, and I don't see dead people. But I believe that people who are in the hands of loved ones should demand credentials. I didn't have credentials . . . my husband is the one who took cpr lessons, lol.

When the paramedics showed up, I took another back seat. I didn't want them to kick me out of the bedroom, but it was assumed that I would just go lay down somewhere. I didn't like like that. I don't like authority figures, but I love it when they know what to do next.

They kept telling me to go away, lol. I had been doing cpr and mtm and wanted someone to tell me that I had done the right thing. They told me I had done what I could. But they didn't believe he would live through this either.

When I call the hospital, I hear that there is no change. That's not good from my point of view. They consider it a success if he responds in any way at all, which he has not yet done.

In my heart, I know that I didn't do cpr and mtm as well as I should have. WOULD YOU HAVE?

I did it. I did cpr and I did mouth to mouth. Everyone who sees what I did, agrees that I did the best possible. What a piece of poo!

If he lives to tell the story, he will tell you that what I did was enough. I really don't believe that will happen. I think he's dead. I think I did what I could with cpr and mtm, but training is needed, lol, we can't just do what we think is right and hope for the best. I did that today, and you know what? He's dead.

Somewhere along the line I had sense enough to keep track of time. I declared him dead at 8:20 am on Thursday morning, they've just been doing their jobs since then. And what a wonderful job they've done. But he's not responding. It's their job to keep giving me hope.

He's gone.

He's really gone. And I don't know how to live without him.

I'm 64, he was 55. We had a great 25 years together.

The forum shouldn't be used for this, but I don't know where to go.

I miss him, and I should have been trained specifically for cpr. I did what I could, but could I have done better?

I have only one ounce of hope that he will live, I understand that prayer is the answer - what the hell, please share your prayers with me.

Wow, I don't even want to hit submit. I shouldn't be here at all

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Post by Sassy Katy » Sat Oct 14, 2006 7:45 pm

I am so very sorry Pat. I have been praying for you and your husband. All my love to you.

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Post by V_Raven » Sat Oct 14, 2006 7:49 pm

i have asked god 2 take care of you and yours since i heard my dear friend ..... i dont know what 2 say besides im still praying and that i love you .... i think u know this ... please do not give up hope as without you what does he have???? cant even begin 2 imagine my buddy what ur going threw and sure as hell dont want toooo ..... as for it doesnt belong here WHY NOT?

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Post by Nana3 » Sat Oct 14, 2006 7:56 pm

Hugs Pat.. aka GreyGoose, I am so sorry to hear about your hubby and my prayers are with you and him..

My hubby had a heart attack at age 55 too he survived it but he didn't the cancer 10 yrs later. I personally know what you are going thru..

My prayers are with you and him... you done all you could do and CPR is hard it takes a strong person to do it. and I know you were strong and done all you could do. The rest is in God's Hands now..

If you need a shoulder i have a broad one for you just IM me anytime. As you know i went back to work but I am here after 9:30 pm est

Hugs to you

"When nothing is sure, everything is possible."
- Margaret Drabble

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Post by sandbar » Sat Oct 14, 2006 8:03 pm

I am so glad you have this forum to speak and let out your emotions, I can't imagine what it would be like losing my husband of nearly 46 years, and my heart goes out to you, hold fast, sweety, you did the best you could, and never think that you didn't. Lots of love and hugggs to you, and my prayers wing their way across the miles, love Sandy

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Post by American Beauty » Sat Oct 14, 2006 8:20 pm

You did all you could. Of this I have no doubt. He would have missed you more, so hang in there and know that you fought hard to keep him.. and how much you'll miss him.. :(

I will be here for you. I will take as much time as my boss will give me, and till then, you know where I am my beloved friend.

I love you.

~ Susan

The soul suffers when we make it live superficially and so seeks out things of beauty and the profound.

Grace finds beauty in everything.

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Post by NanaGram » Sat Oct 14, 2006 8:23 pm

I don't know where to go, or what to do, but I sure found my way to Hw. It's the HW village I met, almost five years ago and it became part of the plan, lol.

I was in HW because my husband thought the friends I met here were great - otherwise, I'd be playing online chess with him. He never found the warmth on any other site that he found with me on HW.

I miss him a whole bunch.

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Post by Dust In The Wind » Sat Oct 14, 2006 9:37 pm

Nanagram, I am sorry but you did everything you knew how to do. This is not your fault, many wouldn't know as much as you did.

I wish I could help more but all I can do is to hope and pray that you get through this, Ogre's got big shoulders and they have no trouble being wet.



PS - Yes we are family here, been that way as long as I can remember.

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Post by CalculatedRisk » Sun Oct 15, 2006 5:09 am

I am so sorry this has happened to ya'll NANA, and I love you and yours, and am praying for you and your husband. You came here because although we may all have our differences at times, like any family, but we all care for each other, online or not. It was the most logical place for you to be, and there is not one that doesn't understand that among those of us who know and love you. Love to you, keep your chin up and know we are are pulling for ya'll. You did everything you know to do and that's all we can do in a situation like this, so be at peace about that, my friend.

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Post by WIST » Sun Oct 15, 2006 7:51 am

Dear Pat:

Please know you and your husband have been in my thoughts and prayers for several days. You did ALL you could WHEN you could. Neither he nor anyone else, would ask more of you. Life is full of 'what ifs' and they can wear ya down. Try to keep your strength, for we surely all know that you are strong.

You have a loving and caring extended family in HW. Although, for the most part, we can't provide the warmth of loving arms and the shoulder you so dearly need at this moment, I hope we can provide emotional support and a safe harbor for you. I'm borrowing some of Orbit's angels and sending them directly to you.

Bright Blessings on you and yours.
for what it's worth

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Post by Lil Imp » Sun Oct 15, 2006 7:53 am

Awwww Nana, I am so sorry. My prayers will certainly be with you. Sharing sometimes help ease the pain, so don't feel like this is a bad thing coming here. You have a lot of people who love you here. Wishing you all the best dear. Hold on to your faith... (big hugs)

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Post by HotPoker4MyEyePlease » Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:13 am

My sweet dear firend,

In your time of confusion I have some answers to you most valid questions. You may not like it but I feel the need to explain to you as I am both an EMT & a 911 operator & your firend.

I personally have preformmed cpr & mtm a gizillion times in my line of work. Just to give you a figure, out of 500 times of giving them properly perhaps 20 times its worked. Sad precentage, but htis is why. Only about 10% of people who have a cardiac arrest, have the type that can be brought back with early cpr. The rest have and a cardiac arrest due to a problem that could not be fixed even if they were on the operating table at the time of the arrest.

I have also given people instruction on how to do cpr over the phone at least 100 times since last year when pre arrival instructions became law to give. One time the person I was instructing was able to get pulses back.

There are so many variables on when CPR works, but no one explains that to the general public. People watch various TV shows & think that if they do CPR then whomever they are doing it on will live autiomatically. Sadly this is not the case.

What I can say to you honey is this, ANY cpr ANY mouth to mouth that is done, properly, or inproperly is a help to the patient. Any ammount of oxygen that you can get into & circulating to a patient that cannot do it for themselves is a help.

I dont know why your husband had his caridia arrest but what I can say is, you did, without a doubt help him in the moments he needed you most. I can say with no doubt in my mind what you did helped. You can put that in the back of you mind honey & take it out when you can accept it.

As for the paramedics asking you to leave, this I can explain by saying for ANYONE to do cpr alone for any length of time is exausting. they wanted you to sit down so that you could regain somestranght so you did not pass out & then they would have 2 patients to deal with. Also the things they had to do for your husband can be shocking for family memebers to see. I know it seemd heartless or bossy, but in reality they were trying to care for you as well.

I hope some of what i have told you here can help you in even the smallest way. Honey you were there for me 100% when I had my accident, I want you to know im here for you 100% as well. Yahoo me your phone # & Ill call you & help you anyway I can. If you want me to explain the medical mombo jumbo Im happy to do it. If you want to scream & Cry im here for you , even if you just need someone there with you on the line & you dont want to talk. Please dont hesitate im here for you.

I love you sweetie, I pray for you & yours as usual.


wardet el sa7arah

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Post by LittleBabe » Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:17 am

Nana please know that you are very much loved on HW. I really dont know what to say that hasnt already been said. You and your husband are in our prayers and you know if there is ANYTHING at all that you need please dont hestitate to ask. Im here for you as Im sure many others are also. All my love goes out to you in your time of need.

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Post by DJHocking » Sun Oct 15, 2006 9:25 am

hey pat my thoughts and prayers are with you hun hugssssssssssssss

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Post by RANGERRIC77 » Sun Oct 15, 2006 10:05 am

Dear Pat, the news brings tears to my eyes. I know God works in mysterious ways and is so hard to understand at times.

As you know I retired from the Fire Dept where I was also a first responder. I preformed CPR many times. I know that performing CPR on a love one is the hardest of all.

I read Pokes's post and I know it to be the truth. I am glad the paramedics arrived and took over, a real blessing.

If you think the Forum should not be used for this, than what good is it ? I think the forum was set up for people to help people and friends to help friends.

I believe you did the best you could and I also believe that talking to your friends here is so much better than holding everything in and talking to no one. You have my IM and you have my friedship, please use it.

May God Bless, All my Love , Ranger

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